All over the world, every day, a scene plays out in the sports world:
Dad (or mom) is a helicopter parent or living their dreams vicariously through their kid. Parent spends a lot of time and energy to advocate for the kid with the coaching staff. Parent has as his highest value in life – “success” and he usually defines it by wins and losses, good and bad performances. Parent desperately want the child to get a college scholarship and maybe go pro or to the Olympics and will do whatever it takes to help child get there.
(All of that above is actually OK so far)
Parent shows up to the kid’s game/event/match at the end of an already stressful day at work focusing intently on everything the kid does. Parent might even throw a few pieces of advice to the kid on the field/court/gym such as:
“Get in the game”
“Focus”
“Be aggressive out there”
The pressure builds up as the game/event/match comes to the end and it’s a close one.
An official makes a call near the end that hurts the kid’s team or ability to win. Or, the coach takes the kid out of the game.
Parent goes berserk and storms the field/court getting in the face of the coach or official and starts yelling and cursing.
The kid is in total embarrassment and the coach later says “you have to find another team.”
Think this is rare? You’d be surprised how often it happens. Sometimes, the presence of both parents and sports coaches can cause a commotion, that will only affect the confidence of the athlete. Now, you may not be one of those crazy sports parents like the example above, but here are 5 tips all parents would do well to follow, not only for the young athlete’s mental well-being, but these tips will actually contribute to better performances.
1. Never give advice to an athlete while they are getting ready or in competition.
This is the coach’s job and the biggest reason why coach’s say that parents are the trouble in youth sports. I promise you that whatever advice you give during the game is not even going to help anyway.
All it does is create anxiety. Sports is best played in a loose but energized state. A parent yelling to a child what they need to do is a huge distraction and directs the child’s focus away from where it should be.
The only exception to this rule would be if the athlete ASKS for reminders well in advance of the competition.
2. Never go to a coach and talk about playing time during an event.
It is natural for a parent to want to give their child support in the form of adult communication with the coach. There is a time and a place for that and if the coach hasn’t already told you when that is, ask that question away from competition when things have cooled down. Coaches are human and I guarantee that putting a coach on the spot causes lots of bad feelings that often get transferred to the athlete.
3. Encouragement is the best a parent can do.
Everything else but encouragement HURTS YOUR KID’S performance. The next time you show up to a game/event/match, make a promise to yourself that you will either encourage your kid and the team or you will say nothing. Have that intention as you drive up there.
Commit to it in front of your child. Repeat a mantra to yourself while watching, maybe something like: “I only say positive things” or “It’s just a game” or “I only cheer and congratulate.” What happens that turns good people into bad sports parents is that they bring their problems with them to the game and they are unaware of the whole thing and then let their emotions control them. Bad behaviors are the result.
4. Clear your own childhood traumas
When I work with young athletes who have overly pushy parents, I teach them that their parents being overbearing has nothing to do with the child and everything to do with the history of the parent. All human beings do this little psychological trick called: projection. In short terms, it means they have some old unresolved issue from their past, usually childhood, that they are still playing out in their mind, but project it onto their kid. If you find yourself doing this as a parent, you’ve got to get rid of the beliefs about yourself that cause you to go inappropriate during sports events. I work in person or via Skype with sports parents regularly to help them with this. I have often spent whole sessions with parents when it is determined that this is the biggest issue. It takes a lot of courage for a parent to admit to this and I applaud that.
5. Stay home
If you do not have the mental and emotional strength to consistently use one of the tips above, then really, you will be doing your kid a favor by not attending. I hear often from young athletes who have excellent sports parents who still don’t want their mom or dad there at competition. If you are in doubt about this, just ask your child what he/she would like. It’s that simple and you can’t go wrong. Let your kid start making decisions about his own participation in sports and grow confidence that way whenever it’s safe or doesn’t violate a family rule.
You say you want your kid to have the best performance possible, right? And that’s your highest priority, right? Before you go anywhere near your kids’ competition, the next time, promise yourself that you will do what is best to inspire your child’s potential. Giving your young athlete or coach unsolicited advice DOES NOT do that.
Winners win in advance,
Craig Sigl
Mental Toughness Trainer