Before watching the video below, you should know that I don’t believe in using the word “Losing” except to reference, FOR OTHERS, events when you don’t win (so they know what you’re talking about). The truth about a game, match or meet is that there is no real reason for athletes to use the word. When asked (like by a parent) how an athlete did in a competition, they could easily answer with some of what I call “Deadly Accurate Truth” that sounds like this:
“Our team didn’t play as well as we normally do but I made some stellar plays, had a blast playing, and I learned a few things that will improve my play.” (and then go into some specifics).
All of that is deadly accurate truth and no need for using or thinking about “losing” and the disappointment it brings. This is advanced mental toughness but even the little kids I work with in my office can understand what I’m teaching here.
Take out the whole concept of “losing” and that’s what you end up with. Take out the whole idea of “losing” in an athlete’s mind and you eliminate 90% of fear of it and the interference it causes. Just delete it.
In this video, I use the sport of American football to make the point about coming back from disappointing losses, but it applies to every sport just the same. Here’s some additional tools to help you or your athletes:
You just played a tough game where your opponent got a generous call by the referee that allowed them to score. If there was instant replay like there is in the NFL, you know for a fact that the play would have been called back and your team would most likely have won. As it happened, you are knocked out of the playoffs and the season ends on a sour note.
It’s painful to lose that way. It actually physically hurts sometimes.
And what if you’re the one who was involved in the play? Yep, double the frustration, embarrassment and disappointment.
Or maybe the defeat was totally under your control like when Brett Favre of the Minnesota Vikings in the 2009 NFC Championship game threw an interception to give away the game in the final minutes. All he had to do was run out of bounds and his team was a lock to win and go on to the Super Bowl.
How do you come back from such crushing defeats?
You start your come back by asking yourself what is your purpose for playing football.
When I am working with an athlete one-on-one this question, I usually try to be a mixture of funny and sarcastic when I say: “Is your entire purpose for playing football to have won that game?”
The answer is almost always, “NO.”
And then I ask them to tell me what are their reasons for playing football. I found out that they play for things like:
The excitement of competition
The challenge of pushing myself
The confidence I get from becoming physically and mentally stronger through the game
The respect I get from teammates, peers, and even adults for living discipline, determination, and grit.
Hitting people on the field
Making great plays and hearing coaches and fans scream
The atmosphere and environment of a football field at game time
The camaraderie of being on a team
After we have developed a big list that includes things like I mentioned above, I then ask the athlete:
“Is any of that going away because you lost that game or had that choke?”
Of course not. It’s all still there ready for you to go at it again and again and again because you love football and everything about it.
It’s perfectly normal to be very disappointed and sad after a big loss or mistake. Go ahead and give yourself a period of time to go through that. And when you’re done with that, declare to yourself that you are going back out there and playing football with all you’ve got because of that list above. That’s how you come back from defeat.
Favre’s backup on the sidelines, Sage Rosenfels, wrote about that game: “I remember it as one the best performances of Favre’s career, despite that last throw.”
He also told Favre as he came back to the bench after the play: “’Brett, you are the most amazing football player I’ve ever seen. It has been an unreal experience to watch you play this year.’ I can’t really describe the look he gave me, but I can tell those words meant something to him.”
A few words like that from a coach or teammate will speed the process of coming back.
Do you ever wonder how you can be a mentally tough athlete? The first step is to know strengths and weaknesses as an athlete. Take our mental toughness quiz to find out your weaknesses and how you can strengthen them to become a mentally tough athlete! Take the quiz for free here: sportsmentaltoughness.com